Jersey Shore: Dorm Room Edition!

By Ernest Owens on January 11, 2013

Seriously, the best way I could describe this one roommate I had, I would consider it a scene from the movie “The Shinning” starring Jack Nicholson. And since I would not desire to repeat such memories again, I plan to tell of this experience with a pseudonym. I will call him “Jack.

Jack goes to Wharton. Jack likes to stay in the dorm room all day long. For many times I thought I was alone blasting Kelly Clarkson tunes in the shower and running around the house half-naked singing “Stronger,” he would make an awkward knocking noise. Yes, he would do stern tap at his door. And then everything went in embarrassing silence.

But that isn’t all that Jack would do. He would awkwardly invite himself to the door to greet my friends and tell them details that should never be said allowed (i.e. my random musical shower moments) and just assume that it would be a good idea to invite my guests over in the living room without even asking me if it was fine.

And just when I thought Jack was lonely and awkward, he thought it would grand to announce to me that he had a girlfriend. Yes, Jack has a new girlfriend. There are actually people in the world that are attracted to peculiar species. The moment he told me, I thought I would be relieved.  The conversation went like this:

“Ernest, I have something very important to tell you.”

“Yes.”

“I have a girlfriend.”

“Ok.”

“She is mine.”

“Good.”

“She is my girlfriend and I am her boyfriend.”

“Nice to know.”

“Isn’t this a great day.”

“Sure.”

“Oh, yeah. I have another thing to tell you.”

“What?”

“She will be coming over at night, so you should invest in earphones.”

Yes, he really took it there. Jack finally got a girlfriend and thought that I should invest in earphones. Just when you thought the world would have been even more toxic, I finally met her. Short pudgy, and very bubbly. She was more engrossed in meeting me than I was of she. The girl smelled like Pine Sol and her hands were very oily.

I couldn’t complain. I thought that my life would be easier now that he had something to focus on. For the following nights she was over, I made it my duty to come home very late on Friday nights. Mornings were awful given that I had to wake up with hair clogged in the shower drain and tampons dripped in blood in the trash bin.

The last straw occurred when I found a used condom left on the vanity near my faucet. Enough was enough; I couldn’t take it any more! It is one thing to be a tolerant roommate, but one thing to be a mentally abused one. I couldn’t take the frustration any longer. I had to confront Jack in the best way possible. I need to send him a message more direct and clear and could not be misinterpreted. I had to send him something with attitude, crass, and fierce approach. I did what anyone would have done.

I sent him a text message.

Later that night, Jack’s girlfriend was not present. I could tell he had got my message and now I was awaiting a confrontation. You know those realty TV shows where the music and the camera seem angled for a fight? That is what I was assuming would be the case.  I sat on the couch and waited for him to talk. And he started with an insult.

“You’re jealous.”

“Are you serious?”

“You are so envious that I have someone who wants me. Every inch of me…every piece of my body…”

“STOP…”

“Every touch of me. You wish you had someone like that…”

“NO, YOU ARE JUST CROSSING THE LINE…”

“I had a girlfriend and you ruined it!”

“What are you talking about?”

“She saw your text message.”

“What…how?”

“She was my girlfriend. I show her everything. She didn’t appreciate you talking about how you have to remove her panties with a broom and how you them away with disgust. She also didn’t like how you continued to spray Lysol around the house everytime she left or whenever you thought she wasn’t around. And she also didn’t like hearing how you would call her an elf from ‘Willy Wonka…”

“You mean an Oompa Loompa.

“Yeah, that thing. The point is she thinks that you want her and now she doesn’t want to be with me…”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know, I just want my baby back.”

And then the next series of conversation took a very awkward turn. The kind of stuff that you would see on Jerry Springer or Maury. The kind of suspense that would be on a soap opera. Brace yourself.

“Well, I’m sorry for causing all that. I didn’t mean to hurt your girlfriend’s feelings. Perhaps her friend John will help her out.”

“John?”

“Yeah, her best friend. He would come over when you weren’t in class. She told me that you didn’t mind him stopping by. I didn’t mind because they were always in your room.”

“Wait, did he have brown hair and an odd birthmark near his forehead.”

“Yeah…and…”

“Oh…damn.”

“What Jack?”

“Oh no…”

I never saw a guy cry in college before. At least not like this. Jack fell to the floor.  He was so red.

“What did I say, what is wrong.”

“I hate her! I hate her!!!! She is going to bring her ex in this house!!!”

“Wait…WHAT?”

“John is her ex boyfriend. He has been coming over.”

“Noooo….really? How do you know?”

“I saw him in her phone. Remember, we were supposed to have told each other everything…guess that wasn’t the case.”

“I am sooo sorry, I should have said something.”

“It’s okay. I will be fine.”

And then Jack went back to his room and stayed there for the rest of the semester.

I hardly see him on campus anymore. Now and then, I might catch him at a dinning hall or library, but I guess that is how life is.

I guess on the bright side, I got my freedom to sing “Since You’ve Been Gone” in the privacy of my own dorm.

And hopefully, he is a better roommate in a better place. One could only hope.

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